Only Nola

Those Aren’t Your Cats, They’re Just On Loan

If you'll remember from one of my first posts, I had a bit of a kitten production problem here at my house. The problem being a stray cat was producing them, and I was too stupid to observe the obvious fact that they weren't my responsibility and let them do what cats do, which is fend for themselves. Anyway, after taking over my guestroom, we finally got rid of 2 of the 3 kittens last week. Now here's the rub... every day I ask the boyfriend (who found them homes with coworkers of his) to check on the status of said kittens. He's all 'um, they're really not your problem anymore' (which is true, but we won't get into that right now --- can't have him thinking being right is something he should get used to, dammit). I can't seem to help myself. Okay, sure, they're TECHNICALLY not mine. But I have issues with the whole 'out of sight, out of mind' thing. Serious issues, obviously, since I'm about ready to go kick the ass of the boyfriend of one of the chicks that took a kitten home because he makes her shut the kitten (which I named Cartman, btw, seein' as how he was so freakin' fat) out of the bedroom at night, leaving the poor thing all lonely in a strange place all night. Pisses me off. Anyway... I mean, hell, it's a kitten, not a damned pit bull, what the hell does it matter if the kitten sleeps in the bed at night? What's he gonna do, purr you to death? Either this girl's dating the biggest cataphobe ever, or dude has some seriously misplaced jealousy issues over a KITTEN sleeping with his girlfriend. (Which is just kind of sick, if I may say so). So while I'm busy getting all riled about the poor kitty, my boyfriend is probably wondering if he needs to sneak up and sedate me or something. I lobbied long and hard to get these kittens homes, and now can't let the furballs go without worrying myself sick over their new lives. How twisted is that?

We have the cutest one still here at the house, and my other half is telling me I should keep it. Can't imagine why...

Let Me Introduce You to My Little Black Cloud

See the barrage of shit that I deal with on a day to day basis? I owe it all to the little black cloud that follows me around and pisses and pours on me at will. He (yes, it HAS to be a he) had big fun this week. A sick 4 year old, clients bouncing checks, my period started, my boyfriend opted out of a weekend we'd planned, and I came out of work today to find a flat freaking tire, 'cause I wasn't having ENOUGH fun already. Bonus points to the black cloud since I don't know how to change a flat tire. I'm the chick people point at and say 'Well, it could be worse...'. I'm beginning to think that's my purpose in life. I offer comfort to others through sheer force of comparison... 'YOU had a bad day???? OHHHHH, no, my friend, look at MINE!' See, then people are much happier... hauling ass to get the hell away from me lest I prove contagious, but happier nonetheless. My little black cloud doesn't have a name yet. I'm thinking I should name him after my ex. Or I could just call him 'Bringer-of-all-things-shitty'. Keep it honest and to the point. You'd think the little bastard would have accumulated some vacation time by now and bugger off for a bit. He needs to renegotiate his contract.

My Kingdom for a Dictionary

I have this compulsion. It's taken over my internet life. There's no support group for it. No patch. I'm a human spellcheck. I've learned to bite my tongue a lot more, but it's awfully painful and not terribly satisfying. I've noticed that there seems to be an interlock for a large percent of the population... sit in front of computer, forget everything you ever knew about how to spell. Well, I'm making a hasty assumption in thinking they ever knew how to spell in the first place. In the big scheme of things, I'm sure it's not very important, but it drives me out of my mind. *short trip* Everyone typos once in a while, even me. But there's a difference in the occasional faux pas and constant butchering. When your communication abilities have deteriorated to the point that people think you must have your own language named after you, for god's sake, SEEK HELP! Webster's online should be a mandatory favorite on computers. This is most often accompanied by 'punctuation amnesia'. Forget commas, forget periods, forget... you get it. It turns every post into a mental rubik's cube, which in more than I need to deal with at the end of the day. It's like a special room in hell for English teachers, but we're all invited along for the ride when we log on. I'm thinking we should have an entrance exam so you have to prove you possess at least a minimal grouping of functional brain cells to gain online access. If you fail, you're stuck with Pong. That's it. It's like the computer equivalent of the short bus. NO POSTS FOR YOU!

Carnies Scare Me

Is it a prerequisite that all people that work for carnivals have to be missing teeth? We took my son to one of those mall parking lot carnivals last night, and not a complete set of teeth on the lot. Hygiene is apparently not a big priority when there's work to be done setting up a 10 ton ride... on piles of wooden blocks. Yeah, I said wooden blocks. I almost passed out when I saw the biggest Ferris Wheel EVER with it's huge metal feet balanced safely (yeah, right)on stacks of blocks. Needless to say, we skipped the Ferris Wheel.

Then there's walking the gauntlet... trying to get from one end of the carnival to the other without the Carnie's performing a flying tackle on you to get you to play some totally rigged game to win some crappy prize they couldn't give away in Ecuador. These people make telemarketers look reserved. You CAN NOT, and there's no stressing this enough, can NOT make eye contact. You make eye contact, they'll freaking follow you home. So you shuffle along, praying you don't get too close to the Ferris Wheel, which we all know is going down, eyes glued to your shoes. Trying this with a 4 yr old is tricky, but you must be firm. Any sign of weakness and they're on you like a pack of piranha. And since they're all lacking teeth, the gumming isn't pleasant. Takes a lot longer, y'know. They also now charge you an arm and a leg to ride these I-can't-commit-suicide-or-the-insurance-won't-pay-so-I'll-just-get-on-the-Ferris-Wheel rides. $3 on average per person per ride. I'd love to know where they're putting the revenue, since it's certainly not in a dental care plan. And obviously it's not in the equipment. I don't think I'll be rushing right out to one of these things again any time soon. I'll shell out the mondo dollars and go to Six Flags next time... at least they have enough money to make it worth a law suit if THEIR Ferris Wheel falls over on me.

Legalize Slapping

Why can't it be legal to give one good smack to people if you can prove they deserve it? I'm not suggesting you should be allowed to knock out a few caps or anything, just a nice 'have I got your attention now?' kind of thing...

Run across someone who parked over the line in the last available space in the parking lot, thereby blocking it's use for you when you're already running late for work? Should be a free pass to wait by their car and bring a little color to their cheeks. Waiting to get something out of the freezer at the grocery store, only to be stuck behind someone who's standing in front of the section you need, staring at the frozen vegetables like they have to memorize the expiration dates and shows no signs of moving... or even being conscious? Ought to be permissible to, um, HELPFULLY wake them up and send them on their way. How about the guy that won't inch forward during a green light to turn left and appears to be waiting for a break in traffic big enough to drag the Exxon Valdez through, so everyone's stuck behind him for the entire duration of their lunch break? Oh, yeah, I say get out of the car, walk up to his window and, after he recovers from the heart attack, SLAP HIM! Um, let me ammend that... I meant to say, it should be legal to slap him. Don't want a bunch of people actually doing it then blaming poor little ol' me. Instead of blaming the lyrics to a song, will now be a campaign to blame my site contents. NOLA MADE ME DO IT! ack!!!

I think that this could cut back significantly on the random acts of stupidity we see every day. Think about it. If the perpetrators of the acts knew that suddenly it was open season on idiots, they might be forced to reconsider just strolling around, rich in senselessness and sharing the wealth.