Only Nola

Gimme That License!

Does anyone out there have the slightest idea how many people are on the road that should, by all rights, be stuck at home? I bet one in three of those behind the wheel should instead be either on public transportation... or under the tires. I'm not picky, I'll take either option. Perfect example? There's this little stretch of four lane road I have to take every day on the way to pick up my son from school. It narrows back to two lane right as it approaches the little bitty town his school sits in. So there are 8 million cars, all lined up in the left lane for this measly quarter mile stretch of four lane road because they know, WE ALL KNOW, the right lane ends right up ahead... and yet, invariably, there are these complete assholes that come tearing along in the right lane to get ahead of everyone else, and when they get to where the road narrows, they'll just cut you off, bold as brass, if you're not kissing the bumper of the car in front of you. Needless to say, I KISS BUMPER! I don't give a flying fart who these pissers are, they are hugely rude and inconsiderate, and they're not getting in front of me without a fight. Now, I'll let people out of parking lots, or will let people over who are politely doing the 'May I get in here please?' motion and wave thank you, but some moron that goes to edge you out without a second glance, some even to the point of presenting an actual danger... HELL NO! I saw one man drive this little grandma INTO THE ONCOMING LANE OF TRAFFIC! I about died... actually, HE about died, as I was fully prepared to crawl out, grab him through his window, drag him to the street and pound his ass. What gets me most is that people are willing to do this rude, inconsiderate, and dangerous thing... all just to get a little ahead of the other people who are all waiting their turn like they're supposed to. It's like they have some serious entitlement issues, and it never even DAWNS on them that they're being a menace, not to mention acting like they were raised by wolves. I hope they all catch a raging case of poison ivy right on their balls... or coochies, as the case may be. I also hope that everywhere they go they are stalked and hounded by people who do the exact same thing, so that they can see how lovely the view is of an oncoming car when you've just been forced into the wrong lane by a fellow fucktard.

I Need a Filter… STAT!

I'm missing an essential piece of hardware in my head. It's that lovely little delay switch most people have between their brain and their mouth. Most people, not me, of course. Give me five minutes alone with someone and I can pretty much be guaranteed to stick my foot in my mouth... or at the very least, my head up my ass. If you think I'm kidding, you obviously don't know me. I blurt out things that NO ONE needs to know, I criticize without meaning to (well, usually without meaning to), I babble like the proverbial brook, I talk at, like, warp TEN, and I have never mastered the art of keeping my personal shit... PERSONAL. I don't know who gave me this gene, but I'd like to give it back for a full refund. Sure, being open can be a good thing, but most people don't look at it that way, they will inevitably use these traits against you, or at the very least make the sign of the cross before running like hell. *sighs* I'm lucky enough to have found someone who can put up with me. I keep installed one of those invisible fences to make sure he doesn't 'forget' he can put up with me, either. I may not have that delay switch, but I'm not stupid. If you love something set it free, my ass.

More on Movies

Okay, I'm going to share a little on a couple more movies. We'll start with one to be avoided at all costs, and move on to one that is a really good watch. You may thank me later.

First of all, if you're feeling the temptation to rent Final Destination 2... ignore it. I mean, this was pitiful. The first one was pretty good, for the most part. I enjoyed it enough I could probably stand to watch it again, anyway. Minus the occasional plot hole, which I'm famous for finding and bring to the attention of all in shouting distance. A fairly original premise, if nothing earth shattering. Then they made the monumental mistake of taking it upon themselves to make a sequel. I'm not sure if they did a lot of drugs first, or just are horribly STUPID, but either way, this was a mistake. The plot holes you could drive a bus through, the acting (and I use the term loosely) is an affront to the digestive system, the dialogue... oh good gawd. The only thing this movie aimed for, since obviously cinematic excellence wasn't it, was to make the most disgusting and gory deaths possible for the victims in the film. And there were plenty of them, believe you me. If a movie were judged merely by the blood shed and brain matter spattered, this would take home... no, not an Oscar, but a Nobel freaking prize. They've got the guy from that short lived t.v. show, think it was called Links?, playing a cop of some sort, and a less cop-like guy they couldn't have found. His character is a giant weiner, which goes well with the fake bravado of the annoying chick they're using in place of an actual heroine for this film. There are several characters that are almost worth liking, and, of course, as in any seriously sucky movie they have to die, leaving you only with the ones you couldn't give a shit less about. I won't even go into how many of these so called 'stalked by death' tragedies are actually caused by the idiots trying to stop them. Just take my word for it, avoid this film like the plague... on second thought, the plague would be preferable. Blah.

Now, a movie worth watching, always, is a movie with Albert Brooks in it. No one gets as much mileage out of whining, irony and sarcasm as this guy, and I love him for it. The best one, off the top of my head, is one I'll recommend here... 'Mother'. It's hugely funny, and touches a spot in any of us with either our own neurosis or family members with them to spare. Albert Brooks is struggling with writer's block, and having just gone through his second divorce, he decides to move back in with his mother for a little while to try to figure out what's wrong with their relationship, because he's decided that if he can understand that, maybe he can understand why his other relationships with women keep falling apart, and why he can't write. Hilarity ensues. His mother, played by Debbie Reynolds, is enough to make anyone consider matricide. There's one scene where they're looking for a parking space that I guarantee you will have you making little choking motions with your hands as you picture wrapping them around her neck. You really feel for the guy. But the thing is, you get something more than just a laugh out of the film. It shows you, through humor, of course, but also through some good emotional scenes near the end, that there is more to her than the mother he's always looked at her as, and that part of her has pain he knows nothing about, nor has he ever tried to, so she's not the only one to blame. Although she'd still drive me nuts. Anyway, it's laugh out loud funny, and worth buying for your dvd or vcr collection.