Only Nola

Budget Truck Rental *a.k.a. Just Bend Over*

So, I've been out of the loop here AGAIN. I know, I know, I keep promising I'll do better, but trust me, this was beyond my control. We were put in a situation where, joy of joys, we had to move to freaking ARIZONA! Not in my plans, trust me, but there it is. Money had become such an issue that we had to move in with some of my family so that we could get back on our feet. It's amazing how much damage was done by one bad year fighting with my ex over bills he didn't pay. He doesn't pay them, they're in MY name, so who gets to pick up the massive amount of slack he's left? Yes, boys and girls, that would be ME, goddammit. Anyhoo, here we now sit. NO THANKS TO BUDGET TRUCK RENTALS.

Budget was one of the single worst experiences I've ever had with moving from one location to another. The price was cheaper than their competitors, and now I know why. The trip was delayed a day due to the fact that the trailer they rented us to tow the hubby's truck had a teensy tiny issue... the freaking lights didn't work. So I get Patty Dipshit on the line telling me to drive the damned thing across town to get it fixed. Um, squeeze me? ACROSS TOWN WITH NO LIGHTS? Patty obviously doubled her morning dose of crack before coming to work that day. Finally got the trailer fixed, then found out that the '12 mpg' truck was actually an '8 mpg' truck. POW, straight to the wallet. FUCK! You have NO idea how much money we had to spend just to get to Arizona, above and beyond the THOUSAND DOLLARS it cost us to rent the damned truck. Gee, am I cursing a lot? GET USED TO IT! Anyway. So, we make it to Bumfucknowhere, Arizona, a few hours from our destination, and *drumroll here*... A BLOWOUT ON THE TRAILER! Yes, this would be the trailer that had two nearly bald tires on the right side that we failed to notice because, oh, silly us, we just expected they'd leave little extras like FUCKING TREAD on the goddamned tires. Oh, it doesn't get much better than that, does it? And the 2 or 3 hour wait for help... well, hell, that was just icing on the cake. It wouldn't have been near as much fun if they'd actually gotten there promptly and efficiently. Where's the party in THAT? So we finally make our way up the road. More fun dealing with Budget happens later, but honestly, just reliving it here in print is making me foam at the mouth, so we'll just suffice it to say that I will NOT be using beloved Budget again... EVER. Oh, isn't this where I'm supposed to chant my famous mantra?

BUT I'M NOT BITTER!!!!

Lessons on Men

Okay, here's where everyone gets to benefit from my pain and misery. Selfless creature that I am, I've decided to make the lessons I've learned public in an effort to enlighten the more naive and keep them from stepping on the relationship landmines that I have. Here are the things I've learned about men and signs to watch for that mean you should run, run far, run FAST:

1.)Mother's house does not qualify as 'home sweet home'- Okay, so you meet this guy... man, isn't he cute? He's charming, funny, fills out his jeans in all the right ways. You say "Hey, can we go to your place?", thinking there's no time like the present to see just how heat activated your deodorant REALLY is. He says "Well, only if you can be really quiet 'cause my mom's a light sleeper". The only thing that should be heard after that is the steady beat of your feet hitting the pavement as you run screaming and howling into the night. Trust me on this one. If he's living with Mommy dearest, unless she's dying of cancer and he's the sterling child that's taking care of his dying parent, there is not ENOUGH distance you can put between you and him. To quote Monty Python... "Run away! Run away!". You'll thank me later.

2.)Dutch is a four letter word- Well, it ought to be, anyway. I learned the hard way that if you are CONSTANTLY the one to pick up your part of the expenses or BOTH parts of the expenses, no good can come of this. It's like kryptonite to relationships. I don't give a flying shit what feminists say, if a man isn't willing to take you out and spend some of his own money on you, there are one of two reasons for it: he has none (oh, how attractive, a broke-ass man who can't handle his finances) or he'd rather spend it all on himself and not do a thing for you (not sure, but I think this one is worse... like bubonic plague kind of worse). So if it's time for date 3 and Joe Shmoe still hasn't even coughed up the price of a Mai Tai, send him back to Mommy's, since that's probably where he lives anyway.

3.)He'll help in any way he can... as long as he doesn't have to get out of bed to do it- If he loves you, he can ignore the utter grossness of vomit as he holds your hair out of your way while you're sick in the toilet. If he's a selfish prick, he'll call his support in from the other room. This is one of those times that it's perfectly permissible to begin castration with whatever implement is at hand. I say go for a spoon. If you need to ask why, you're probably one of the women who will fall for a man who lives at Mom's and makes you pay for the pizza... for the three of you. Rent Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, and then go buy yourself a spine, for God's sake.

4.)Bills vaguely ring a bell- If you've started dating a man that always has new clothes but screens all his phone calls, BEWARE! This is him playing the 'I can outwait the creditors' game. He views paying bills as something people do who have no fashion sense and no social life. He thinks owing someone money roughly translates into 'they can collect from my estate when I die'. He is mortally allergic to positive credit ratings and receipts that read 'paid in full'. He breaks out in hives at the thought of having any part of his paycheck left in his wallet (he doesn't have a checking account... another warning sign) within 2 days of receiving said check. He would go into anaphylactic shock if you suggested that the phone calls and legal notices would stop if he would actually *gasp* send people the money he owes INSTEAD of going shopping. Eating at home is another form of abuse for this man, as eating out helps him get rid of some of that nasty ol' money burning a hole in his pocket. Here's the litmus test: Wave a turkey sandwich under his nose and a video rental. Tell him that's what you're doing for the evening since it's rent week. See if he passes out. Case closed.

5.)Your friend's teeth make grinding noises when he's in the room- Okay, no one likes to hear this, but it's true... if your friends all do the head shaking thing and get that deer-in-the-headlights look whenever you two are together, it's NOT a good sign. Sure, friends can be wrong, but generally speaking, you're far better off trusting their judgement about men since you're about as objective about the new man in your life as Hitler was on the subject of ethnic cleansing. If I'd listened to my friends more often, I probably wouldn't have needed near as much therapy. Friends are great loser radars. The trick is to get your neurosis out of the way and PAY ATTENTION. Obviously they're in a better position to see the assbag for what he is, since they're neither sleeping with him nor paying his way after his paycheck from Friday is gone by Saturday and he can't pry his lazy ass off the couch to do the damned dishes... BUT I'M NOT BITTER!

God, I need valium.