I've made an executive decision. Murphy can kiss my ass. With all that I've been through, it's no longer called 'Murphy's Law', it's NOLA'S Law. I've earned the right, damn it. But, me being me, I've decided Murphy was a bit vague. I've broken it down into 10 more precise pieces...
1) Anything that says 'Easy to Operate!' on the box... isn't. This is akin to, but not necessarily accompanied by, it's evil cousin 'Easy to Assemble!'. Don't fall into the trap.
2) The last thing you'll get from a 'Mail In Money Back Rebate!' is actual money. Much more likely to get screwed harder than the last virgin on prom night. That fine print on the paperwork? It's actually a closely guarded retailers' language that spells out what your odds are of ever receiving the rebate in question. There's also a secret handshake, but we won't get into that here.
3) Any product you buy will only break if you DON'T buy the extended warranty. Buy the warranty, which is equal to about 200% of the cost of the piece of shit item you bought, and you'll never need it. Personally, I think they send out hired goons to sneak in your house and break your shit, just to teach you a lesson so you'll sign up when you buy the replacement.
4) The only people guaranteed to get a good deal are the people who can afford to NOT get a good deal. You think I'm making this up, don't you? Look at interest rates. The jackass in the Jaguar down the street, making about $900,000 a year by evicting widows and orphans to cash in on the real estate boom, gets a 5% loan on his new condo for his third mistress, Bambi. The lady at the OTHER end of the street, making $20,000 a year and trying to convince herself that Ramen Noodles are a food group, a)can barely get a loan at all, and b)if she does, it's at 9%. Are you seeing the irony here?
5) Nine out of ten cataclysmic disasters are preceded by the words 'Well, at least it can't get any worse'. Of COURSE it can get worse, dimwit! Life is nothing if not an exercise in REDEFINING the word 'worse'. There is no day I've had that was not able to become still worse through hard work and determination. It's a gift.
6) If you knock two glasses off the table, the one that breaks will be the one you can't replace. Like the one your mother got from her mother who got it from her mother... toast. That $2 job from Target? Little fucker's just fine.
7) The only time your child will pay attention to ANYTHING you say is when it's something you don't want repeated in front of others. Usually something along the lines of 'Aunt *insert name here*, are you REALLY queen of the trailer trash?'
8) You will, absolutely, always have a car full of old people pull up next to your car at the EXACT moment that Snoop is blaring our your window 'Ain't no pussy good enough to get caught while I'm up in it' at top volume. Yeah, that happens every time.
9) There's nothing so universally acceptable that people can't criticize you for doing it.
10) The guy you accidentally *coughs* cut off in traffic this morning will be your waiter when you go out to eat dinner tonight. I recommend starting a fast immediately.
Might add more to this later, but for now, I'm BEAT.
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