I'd like to wish each and every one of you a happy new year. I'm going to break with my generally snarky tradition and post a little something sincere and thought provoking.
(...)
No, really.
2007 was a year of great change, sadness, and unexpected joy in my life. If nothing else, it taught me a few things. I would have been just as happy not learning them the hard way, but that's usually how the important lessons are learned. Human beings are funny that way... we can't absorb through observation; we have to actually touch the hot stove to get the point that it is, in fact, hot. I can't speak for any of you, but for myself? There are a few things that I've realized during the course of the last year that, god willing, I won't forget in the days to come.
I have to feel my feelings. This sounds so obvious, and unavoidable, that you'd think it wouldn't warrant mentioning. But it's not. Defense mechanisms are a strange thing... if you're faced with something extraordinarily painful or traumatic, your mind and heart will often team up to stuff the feelings that come with the event into an airtight little box, shoved in the furthest, darkest corner they can reach, to be ignored and forgotten for as long as possible. I know this firsthand. When Jonathan died four and a half months ago, I thought I would surely come completely apart from the agony and loss. Over the months that followed, I thought I was just dealing with it very well. The fact is that there were a lot of things that I wasn't dealing with at all... I was just holding myself together, for any number of reasons (including survival), by tamping down on the pain that had nearly eaten me alive. Now, all this time later, the feelings I'd ignored or hidden from are making themselves known in odd and unexpected places. I've had to face the fact that keeping myself glued together, no matter how necessary it was at the time, was not a long-term solution. Grief will not be denied. Neither will anger, sadness, confusion... any of the emotional states that are uncomfortable, complicated, and imminently painful, really... they will all find their way out of the little boxes that we tape them up in. The difference is, if you look at them when they first show up, let them make you cry, yell, fall down, gasp for air, scream, rage, sigh... well, then their power is somewhat limited and manageable. But if you lock them up, try to deny them their right to exist and their place in making you who and what you are, they will still come out... but in ways that can hurt, both yourself and others, far beyond what they were originally capable of. In avoiding whatever you're feeling, whatever it may be, and refusing to see it for what it is, you give it a power that it wouldn't have otherwise had. Soooo... don't do that. Seriously. Cry when you're sad; stand up for yourself when you feel angry and wronged; laugh when tickled; shout when there is danger, either to body or soul; sit down and admit you're confused when the fork in the road looms ahead and you don't know what to do... to face each feeling and embrace it as your own is to take control of your life in a way that boxing it up and hiding it in the dark will never do. Trust me on this one. I know.
Public opinion is worth approximately two squares of Charmin. Used Charmin. I went through my own special bit of hell a short while back due to certain members of the self-appointed moral majority being bitterly offended at the choices I've made in my life. The irony is, of course, that it was only hell as long as I let it be, but that's another discussion altogether. The point is, any number of people thought that certain things in my life (such as Ray) were an affront, and made it known in a loud and vitriolic fashion. Now, had I not been wrapped up in CARING what the opinion of the aforementioned public was, it wouldn't have mattered. But I gave it weight, and it hurt me. Deeply. For a little while. I closed my blog for over a week because of what erupted here. And then one day, I realized something... the people that were throwing stones in my general direction had absolutely no idea what they were talking about. They, for the most part, didn't know me, and even those that knew me had gotten so caught up in feeling morally superior that they had forgotten that they had no idea what it was like to actually be me in the situation I was in. They hadn't lived my life; hadn't been in the relationship with my late husband; hadn't faced the loss of a spouse themselves to know one thing about it (and even if they had, one thing I've learned holds absolutely true... grief is different for everyone. There IS no 'right' way to grieve. Period.); hadn't lived a life without mistake or error to be in a position to throw stones even if what I was doing WAS wrong (which it wasn't, but you get my point). All of this became apparent to me as the days went by. I realized that I had given power over my life, and my writing outlet, to people who didn't care about me in the slightest, and all because I GAVE them the ability to hurt me out of some misplaced desire to have them like me... approve of me... whatever. When I looked around and realized that I parceling out pieces of my self-respect and dignity to a public that had neither compassion nor intellectual objectivity, well... it was hard. And an eye-opener. Which led me to correct the situation as quickly as possible. Soooo... don't let what others think rule your decision-making. Period.
Accept yourself. Warts and all. So many times I've made myself miserable by not accepting who I am, and the fact that I'm learning, by trial and error, as each day goes by, but instead trying to be what I think I'm supposed to be. That's the quickest way to suffering and unhappiness. The fact of the matter is that we're each of us different for good reason. It takes all kinds of people to make the world a place where we can learn and grow and leave our own footprints in the sand. The actions of others can leave us with all manner of feelings, but even the negative emotions that are hard to live with have their place, helping to shape us and teach us and open our eyes to revelations large and small. I have my place in that, as do each of you. I'm entitled to be angry at what others may do to me, but I also have to appreciate the fact that without them I might have missed learning something very important about myself. So that being said, there's a beauty in realizing that what I am, flaws and virtues all tangled together, is just fine. I'm just as I should be. And so are you. Even the aforementioned moral majority, much as I hate to say it, has their place. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have seen the ground on which I needed to stand. When I look in the mirror now, I realize the most important thing... I try. I live a life trying, each and every day, to know myself and do the best that I can. And that should be enough for anyone.
Well, I'm sure there are other things I learned. Things that are revolutionary! Things that are mind-boggling! Things that are earth-shattering!
(...)
Things that are going to have to wait until after I go fix French toast for breakfast. The menfolk be HOOOOOOOONGRY.
Phhhhttt.
Recent Comments