Hey, guess what? I'm sitting here posting and it hasn't even been a month yet! Aren't you positively glowing with pride? Enthusiasm? Ecstasy? (...) Um... boredom? Can one glow with boredom? I'm willing to try if you are.
So anyhoo. Want to hear me bitch? I'm so overdue.
Well, I went to San Francisco last weekend (Valentine's Day, for those of you who weren't paying attention) to see the new boyfriend. Long weekend, actually. Went Friday, came back Tuesday. While I could send all of you into a state of catatonia by going on and on about the romance and the hand-holding and the... other things which need not be mentioned, I won't. Instead, I'll tell you exactly what I think of the baggage handler dude at the Kansas City airport.
*spontaneously combusts*
Sorry about that. Yeah, FIRE HIM. For the love of GOD and all things luggage related, FIRE HIM ALREADY.
See, here's the thing. I'm standing up by my gate, waiting for my turn (me and all the other human cattle. MOOOO. Gah. I hate boarding.) to get on the plane, when I glance out the enormous windows that let us all see the comings and goings of flights that we're not on. Isn't that festive? Someone is going to Tahiti... and it ISN'T ME. Anyway. As I'm looking out the window, see the little conveyor belt thingy that they roll up to feed our luggage into the ass of the airplane. Well, really I guess it would be considered the belly of the plane, but ass just sounds more fitting. Am I wrong? I'm going for the laugh here, people.
But I digress.
The conveyor belt thingy is not moving. It's just sitting there, not playing hard to get by any stretch of the imagination. There is a large cart doohickey sitting at the end of the conveyor belt (the end NOT attached to the plane, obviously) with a giant tarp over it. On that cart? The luggage.
Keep with me. This gets REALLY annoying in a matter of seconds.
So, there between the end of the convey belt and the cart? Is baggage handler dude. Let's call him... Earl. He kind of looked like an Earl. Earl has, apparently, sought employment in the baggage department of the airport because of a lifelong, seething hatred of luggage. Or travellers. Not sure which, and not sure it matters. The main thing here is that I know he hates. And how do I know he hates? Because Earl, bastion of consideration and pride in a job well done that he is, removes each bag from the cart and easily turns at the hip and sets it down on the conveyor belt?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*wipes eyes*
No. Earl, in fact, takes each bag and then proceeds to toss them high in the air in the general direction of the conveyor belt, reaping apparent glee from the way they then bounce on the conveyor belt (accompanied, I'm sure, by the sound of things breaking... if one was only down there close enough to hear it) before coming to a stop (if a piece of Samsonite could, in fact, have its spirit broken? I'd say I've witnessed it. Ooooh, the humanity!). Now Earl did not do this because it was easier. That is obvious by the fact that his hip? Was pressed up against said conveyor, meaning it would have been easier for him to turn and set the goddamned bag DOWN, rather than treat it like it contained a month's supply of Paris Hilton's used panties. (I'm sure I don't have to explain that joke to anyone. Do I? Do I really?) So, since it is now clear that Earl was not abusing travellers' luggage out of a strongly developed sense of laziness, that leaves us with?
Earl has baggage baggage.
(...)
Yeah, I said it. WHAT?!?!?!
I stood there, horrified, watching as Earl took out his sexual frustration and general discontent on helpless luggage. MY luggage. If I'd had a way down to Earl, he'd be sporting one less testicle. And maybe an ear. Not like he doesn't have two, right?
Oh, and did I mention that all this was going on... in the rain? He was heaving and wreaking his vengeance upon the luggage and leaving it to then sit there... in the RAIN.
Oh, for fuck's sake, this isn't rocket science, people... FIRE HIM ALREADY.
Or shoot him. I don't really care which.
Would you have used a spork to make Earl uni-balled?
*waits a beat before dying with laughter*
Posted by: Nyt | February 28, 2009 at 03:03 PM