A Little More Time...

So.  Another year has gone by.  And what a year it's been.  I'm a couple of days from the two year anniversary of Jonathan's death.  Thursday, the 13th.  Two years.  Jesus... time is a tricky thing.  I don't know what I wrote last year at this time, as I haven't gone back to look yet, so some of this may be repetitive, and I'm not finding myself able to care much if it is.  I know that it seems both impossibly longer than two years and incredibly shorter.  I know that some memories fade, which is almost like another death all its own, and some memories grow even stronger.

In two years...

I have thought I found love and been mistaken.  I have thought I was unloved and also been mistaken.  I have chased rainbows that turned to ash and found sunlight where I thought there was only rain.  I have wished for tears when I couldn't find any and cried rivers when I thought I didn't know how anymore.  I have opened up to those that did me far more harm than good, and ran away from those that might have healed me but I couldn't see past my fear.  I have had my voice ignored until it was lost to me, then found it again (albeit in a weakened and rusty state).  I have reached out in need, across an empty bed, wanting nothing so much as the one thing that I cannot have... and I have slept in peace, knowing that the one thing I cannot have is actually the one thing that will never leave me to suffer alone.  I have traveled and I have hidden under my rock. 

I have been criticized and reviled for choices I have made, and I have known the comfort of those that refused to pass judgment.  I have been an attentive friend and an absent one.  A loving mother and a depressed one.  A loving daughter and an angry one.  I have found healing in therapy, as well as loss.  I have made friends and lost them, some old and some new.  I have been lied to and hurt, and been given honesty from those that matter most.  I have been rejected and passed by by those that see my game face, and have been held close by those that truly see me.  I have learned lessons, both the ones I'd been missing all my life and the ones I'd hoped life would never teach me.  I've pushed boundaries and hidden from change.

So much has happened for me me in the past two years.  I'm both the girl I always was and the woman I never thought I could be.  I'm still, as always, the work in progress.  That will probably always be the case.  But I think, I HOPE, that I'm closer to being whole and healthy than I ever have been before.  And I think, no, I KNOW, that Jonathan is always with me.  My hummingbird still comes to see me.  Other people may disapprove or condemn, but Jonathan?  He still loves me and just wants me to be happy.  He was my best friend, no matter what happened either before his death or after it.  That is the simple truth... maybe just a truth I buried for a little while in order to survive.  I'm sure some of you will understand that, and some won't.  Hopefully both groups will at least understand this...

I miss him.   

Comments

[Auburn]

I think last year at this time you wrote something like "it's just been one year and you couldn't even find any other words"...and that was about the end of it. Just keep remembering, we all deal with EACH AND EVERY single day in our OWN ways. Any single person on this earth who wants to judge you on your marriage and loss of it is not doing Jonathan's life or death any justice because anybody who truly knew Johathan's beautiful soul knows that is not what he would want. He had human flaws and human ways and caused human pain, BUT it can never be taken away that he had a big heart to make up for all of it when the right person came along and let him in and it's wonderful that that person was you. You keep healing Hummingbird Girl. That's what he would want.

[Shauna]

I told you the other day that I am very proud of you, and I know that such an accolade or assurance brings little comfort relative to the gaping hole of which we also spoke.

Your insight and reflection... and that you're tackling the process of growing, learning, healing... all make me appreciate so much about life and find a particular awe at your hard-earned wisdom.

Auburn said so much so well, too.
Your ache is palpable, and I'm sorry that you were dealt this harsh hand -- but I am grateful you and Jonathan had each other, shared what you shared, and loved deeply and completely for the time you had.

I love you.

[MWS]

you are a beautiful person.
lots of love & hugs.

[Nyt]

I haven't written before now because I had a meltdown...and wasn't able to respond to anyone's needs--let alone my own.

I don't have the words to make this all better. Each of us deals with sorrow, loss, grief, and sadness in different ways--no one way is wrong or right. We make mistakes while in the midst of our grieving--mistakes we wouldn't normally make under "normal" circumstances. But how "normal" is grieving other than everyone does it at least once in their lives.

We also do crazy, radical, illogical things while grieving. We do funny, stupid, silly things. We mourn our losses, celebrates our gains, re-evaluate our lives, our accomplishments, and ponder how things would be so different "If Only..."

Above it all, we heal. Some of us heal slowly and others seemingly more quickly. Some of us heal in steps or stages. And some of us have to revisit those steps a few times before we are able to move on.

Healing doesn't mean you've forgotten your loved ones, or that the emptiness they left behind is now filled. It means we are able to move forward--where ever forward is for you or for me or for others--it's still forward. Healing doesn't mean the pain of that loss is no longer with us. It simply means we've learned how to cope, how to deal, how to move on with the our pain, our loss, our grief.

You are working through a process. It takes time. It takes revision. It takes but it also will give to you what you need.

You are in my thoughts. Even when I'm having my meltdowns.

[ash]

:)

[Stefanie]

Nola, Your thoughts your brain you are one of the most complex people I know. No one ever can or should understand the intensity that is you. Having known online both of you online. You guys were so well fit. I could not imagine the pain that resides in the void he has left. Know this I am here for you if ever you need. On yahoo in email on phone in anyway possible, hell i remember being on the phone with you many years ago when you heard that noise outside all ready to call the sherrifs dept if anything happened. Know this we don't connect much anymore and that sucks but if you ever need a shoulder a hand or anything I can do I am here. Love you indefinately. ~Stefanie (Soco)